the rains came down

matti came over to watch my kids today -- both of them have colds, mind you. (thank you from the bottom of my heart, matti.) i needed to do a follow-up with an oral surgeon {concerning an x-ray of my jaw and sinus area}. i was praying that he would say, "oh, it's nothing to worry about," and i could walk out the door and be on my merry way. you see, in the x-ray my left sinus is clear and black, and the right side is cloudy and has more white area (or is it vice-versa??) anyways, the oral surgeon says it could just be my anatomy, it could just be that i was congested on one side when the x-ray was done, it could just be the way my insides reflected the rays...it could be...but to be positive that it isn't anything serious, another CT scan may be in order. this time for my head; specifically my sinus area. so, the oral surgeon will get some second opinions from his fellow radiologist pals and then we will know whether or not to get the CT scan. he says that most likely they will recommend the scan; just to rule everything else out.

i ain't gonna lie: i was/am scared. it's just so ironic that right after you get news of something "abnormal", the people in the room try to convince you not to worry or be scared and all that jazz. as if that's even possible!

i walked slowly to my car through the lightly falling rain, shut the door, and shed a few tears. i was thinking worst case scenario: if it is something serious, i don't feel prepared for that. i want to be around to raise my kids (hopefully have some more while i'm at it). i want to watch them play and learn and love, hug, and kiss them. i want to read them stories as i tuck them in at night. time to spill the deepest desires of my heart: i want to have an eternal family. i want to have the priesthood in my home. i want to watch my babies grow up and get married and have babies of their own.

i remember growing up and always having my dad there to give us blessings. he would give us one at the beginning of every school year, when we were sick, or if there was a big test or event coming up. i think the last time i got a blessing was when we got news of Faith needing open-heart surgery. i miss having that sense of comfort and security in my home.

so the moral of the story is: don't go to the dentist.

just kidding.

the moral of the story is, don't ever take anything for granted. seize and savor every moment.

and i'd like to ask for your prayers so that if i do need to get a CT scan, that everything will be okay. and i will have the faith that it will be.

i'd really appreciate it. thank you.